Fractured Families

When a family is divided by divorce, it creates added stress during the holidays with regard to child visitation, gift giving and attending children’s programs. But it doesn’t have to be that way. If divorced parents can set aside their differences, the holidays can be a little less stressful for everyone.

At the top of most children of divorce’s wish lists is that their parents would reconcile differences and find a balance with regard to communication, cooperation and compromise. 

Here is a list of things parents can do to make that holiday wish come true.

• DO put your children first. Think about what they need for the holiday to be a good experience for them. Focus your efforts on quality time rather than material objects.
• DO set aside personal differences, past hurts and disappointments with your ex-spouse. This will make the holidays less stressful for everyone.
• DO make a schedule for visitation and have a solid plan for gift-giving and attending children’s events. If the conversation gets heated, call a time out and arrange another opportunity to talk.
• DO establish a good working relationship with your ex-spouse on behalf of your children. You don’t have to be buddies; you do need to be a team player. 
• DO prepare your children ahead of time for what to expect over the holidays.
• DO be on time and keep goodbyes short when transitioning from home to home to avoid extra stress.
• DO your own communicating. Avoid making your children messengers. 
• DO recognize the importance of your children’s relationship with their extended relatives on both sides of the family. Keep grandparents and other family members central in your children’s lives.
• DO attend your children’s holiday programs. This is a time to celebrate their accomplishments. 
• DO sit where you feel comfortable at these events. It doesn’t have to be with your ex-spouse unless you want to. But you should, at the very least, be cordial and courteous to one another.
• >DO attend these programs with other family members or come alone. This is not a time to introduce casual dates to the family. The focus should be on your child, not you or someone new in your life.
• DO give each parent equal time alone to interact with your children at these events. If possible, coordinate schedules so that one parent takes the child to the event and the other brings him home.
• DO allow children to discuss past holidays if the subject arises. Remember that most kids grieve the loss of an intact family with every holiday and at each stage in life. Be sensitive to this and keep an open line of communication with your children.
• DO have reasonable expectations. The first few years after separation and divorce can be the hardest time to enjoy the holidays. Don’t expect things to be perfect. It takes time to heal wounds, establish new traditions and adjust to a new family unit.
• DO take care of yourself during the holidays. You’ll be a better parent if you get proper rest, exercise and nutrition, as well as the emotional support from others you need.
• DO remember the best gift you can give your children is your loving attention and the opportunity and freedom to love their other parent.

Denise Morrison Yearian is a freelance writer and the mother of three children.